Reframing Our Point of View - Changing Our GPS Location

Have you ever noticed that we can get stuck in our present point of view?  We can take a position and then try to communicate from that location.  Just as when we use GPS, our starting position determines the available routes to our destination.

In highly charged discussions, it can be profound to assess our current location.  Before we employ those valuable tips in Crucial Conversatons, I have noticed that is it critical to understand the starting point.

For example, with managers who have 'had it' with a team member, or with associates who want to 'tell' their manager that s/he needs to grant a request because others get that treatment (or similar scenarios where the starting point has emotion, conditions, and 'shoulds' attached) - I like to move the starting point back, way back.

Can the manager or the associate recount times when the relationship was positive, full of posibility and collaboration?  Can the manager or the associate remember when were they worked well together?  It may be going back to when s/he joined the company, moved into a new role, worked on a complex project - focus on finding a time when the atmosphere was infused with collaboration, imagination, and positive expectation.

This pause to reframe to a more positive time often helps us look at the desired outcome as a conversation rather than an ultimatum.  With that new coordinate as our GPS starting point, it seems that we can imagine options, possibilities, and alternatives. 

Asking people to desribe that positive time often helps put the present situation into a different light. And, with that new context there is frequently a change in tone, in expression, and in ways to open the conversation. 

Changing our starting point coordinates doesn't necessarily change the destination, it just makes the trip much more enjoyable.

(The Sacred Parentheses)

(it happens here)

In writing, we are taught to use a parenthesis to signal "an amplifying or explanatory word or phrase".

In verbal communications, I think of parentheses conversations as ones that don't just amplify or explain the sender's meaning, but as rare instances of profound connection.  It is as if talking within the parentheses allows us to step out of time, push the pause button and be with another person.

In these prized and reveletory moments, we share so much about ourselves:

• 
  
  how we feel about the situation without facade or pretense
• 
  
  additional background about our life experiences that  exposes our position, reaction, confusion, fear or doubt
• 
  
  how this topic connects to another event, situation, belief, person and impacts our stance in a deep way
• 
  
  what we are struggling with, where we are vulnerable, where we are stuck 

Inside the sacred space of the parentheses, you can step away from everthing that clamors for your time, energy, mindshare... and connect...and reflect...and learn. 

When you have this connection with someone, it is special.  And, both of you know it.  It is a powerful gift.  I have experienced these moments with trusted friends, family, colleagues, mentors, and clients.  And, sometimes with new acquaintances.   

What an extraordinary gift! 

Priceless - literally and figuratively.

Questions to ponder:

• When do these conversational parentheses occur?
• Why are they so illuminating?
• What have you learned from them?

Enthusiasm, Engagement, Excitement

When employees talk about the best leader they have ever worked for, they often talk about the enthusiasm and excitement the person brought to the job, to the team.  And, close on the heals of those comments, employees talk about engagement - from three perspectives.  How engaged the leader was in the individual's success.  How engaged the leader was in the team's success.  And, how much the leader was engaged personally.  That the leader's personal enthusiasm was not only contagious - but that it kept everyone in the game, in the moment, and dedicated.  These leaders delivered and everyone was a part of the success story.

Gustavo Dudamel

If you ever need a great example of enthusiasm in action, check out any of the You Tube videos of Gustavo Dudamel.  In the last week, I have heard an interview with him on NPR and have seen a video of him during a leadership presentation.  He, obviously, was the example of leading with passion.

He is the Conductor of the L.A. Philharmonic and not yet 30 years old.  Here are some excerpts from the October 8, 2009 NPR article: Dudamel Leads L.A. Philharmonic In Concert

...Dudamel is a toddler compared with his colleagues at major orchestras around the world. But that doesn't mean he lacks experience. Dudamel started conducting at age 12; he was playing in a kids orchestra and picked up the baton one afternoon when the director arrived late for a rehearsal. And at 18, he became the music director of the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra — the top ensemble in Venezuela's "El Sistema" network of more than 125 youth orchestras...

...Before Dudamel landed the L.A. Philharmonic job, orchestra president Deborah Borda followed him around for two years and watched him work with orchestras across Europe. 

"Really, it wasn't a risk," she says about hiring Dudamel. "What does a conductor do? He must seduce the orchestra, he must inspire the orchestra, he must lead and convince the orchestra." Those are things, Borda says, that Dudamel does with ease.

His story is amazing and his passion for his work is undeniable. 

 
When you watch him conducting, whether with the L.A. Philharmonic or the high school musicians from Venezuela, you see how he invites musicians to play flawlessly and to have fun - individually, together, and with him.  What a powerful and enjoyable combination.

Energizing Meeting - Part 1

"Presence is a state of awareness, in the moment, characterized by the felt experience of timelessness, connectedness, and a larger truth" - Doug Silsbee

How often are we truly present with our coworkers, customers, managers, team? 

Being present with others is a gift. When we listen without thinking of other things, we can be an observer - of ourselves, our racing thoughts, our assumptions, our distractions - dispel the intervening thoughts and be in the moment. 

And, we can be a better observer of the other person - gaining a clearer context of his/her point of view, assumptions, values, questions. 

Our focus is sharper, our questions more insightful, our partnership much stronger. 

Doug spoke at a conference I attended recently.  He invited us to be present.  And, it has been on my mind - a lot! 

Think of what a gift being present is to ourselves and others.  It is going to take more practice for me to 'be' rather than to 'do'. However, it is a gift to be present.

Point and Click

On a recent visit to New York City, I noticed a very simple act of kindness over and over again.  Families, couples, friends from all nations and backgrounds would gather for pictures.  To ensure that the whole group was in the moment, one of two things would happen.  Someone would come up and offer to take the picture. Or, a member of the group would approach a stranger and ask him or her to take it.

Not a big deal - this happens all of the time. 

However, these strangers bonded in the moment.  No language barriers, no bickering about the other's political beliefs.  Just laughter as everyone posed and the photographer figured out the new camera - often taking another 'insurance shot'.  Then the subjects gathered around see the picture. These encounters ended with smiles, thanks, nods, waves.  Brief, fun, open, joyous.

IMAGINE

En-guage-ment

"Employee engagement is a complex equation that reflects each individual’s unique, personal relationship with work."

- From a 2008 Employee Engagement Report by Blessing White

The research on employee engagement prompted me the wonder - are the points on our guages calibrated consistently? Is the standard of measurement the same for all employees, for all managers, and for all executives?

Sure, the engagement surveys define what leadership is, what alignment is, what communication is - to give consistency to these eye-of-the-beholder concepts. And, that is very important.  But, as we progress through the questions, do we maintain that defined perspective or move to our own standards?

Then an even more basic question occurred to me: do we know what we are looking for when it comes to optimal work engagement? Or, to optimal friendship engagement? Or, to any engagement with others?

How do we gauge success?

* is it according to what we invest or what we get?

* is it defined by how well others understand us or by what we learn by seeking to understand others?

* is it based on how we think we are treated or on how we think others are     

  treated?

* is it from being heard or being listened to?

* is it from what we know or what we learn?

There have been many studies over the years about significant learning events.  In the work context, leaders often say they learn the most from:

* failures

* stretch assignments

* mentors

* turnaround projects

* totally new area of responsibility (where they did not have experience or

   expertise)

And, the common reason these examples surfaced was - these situations (or mentors) helped them see things differently.  In order to be successful they had to operate differently; they learned new perspectives; they needed to recalibrate what effective leadership meant for them; the ah-ha moments came from an appreciation of how their leadership impacted others. 

What can we recalibrate in the present and learn from in the moment?  Are we setting aside time to reflect on our impact and to reassess the measure points on our guages?

Let it Flow, Let it Flow, Let it Flow

Finding Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is a fascinating read.  His last name is pronounced 'chick-sent-me-hi' for those who are still looking at that assortment of vowels and consonents in amazement. 

He describes flow as the time 'when a person's skills are fully involved in overcoming a challenge that is just about manageable'...'when high challenges are matched with high skills'. 

It is active, focused and we are absorbed because the task is 'just about manageable', not just a routine. 

We all have examples of when we have been in the zone, totally focused.  It is exhilarating!  While we can't expect, nor would we wish to be there all of the time, these moments are the jewels in our life tapestry. 

They can be daily or weekly activities that are wonderfully engaging or less frequent stellar accomplishments.  

How do we open ourselves to more flow?  Do we recognize and appreciate the zone moments? 

Being totally involved in a work meeting, discovering something new or solving a problem can be examples of flow moments.  Gardening, Yoga, a challenging game of tennis can also provide the optimal intersection of challenge and skill.

How do we get more flow in our lives? 

Possibly by focusing, leveraging and operating with wonder.