Reframing Our Point of View - Changing Our GPS Location

Have you ever noticed that we can get stuck in our present point of view?  We can take a position and then try to communicate from that location.  Just as when we use GPS, our starting position determines the available routes to our destination.

In highly charged discussions, it can be profound to assess our current location.  Before we employ those valuable tips in Crucial Conversatons, I have noticed that is it critical to understand the starting point.

For example, with managers who have 'had it' with a team member, or with associates who want to 'tell' their manager that s/he needs to grant a request because others get that treatment (or similar scenarios where the starting point has emotion, conditions, and 'shoulds' attached) - I like to move the starting point back, way back.

Can the manager or the associate recount times when the relationship was positive, full of posibility and collaboration?  Can the manager or the associate remember when were they worked well together?  It may be going back to when s/he joined the company, moved into a new role, worked on a complex project - focus on finding a time when the atmosphere was infused with collaboration, imagination, and positive expectation.

This pause to reframe to a more positive time often helps us look at the desired outcome as a conversation rather than an ultimatum.  With that new coordinate as our GPS starting point, it seems that we can imagine options, possibilities, and alternatives. 

Asking people to desribe that positive time often helps put the present situation into a different light. And, with that new context there is frequently a change in tone, in expression, and in ways to open the conversation. 

Changing our starting point coordinates doesn't necessarily change the destination, it just makes the trip much more enjoyable.

(The Sacred Parentheses)

(it happens here)

In writing, we are taught to use a parenthesis to signal "an amplifying or explanatory word or phrase".

In verbal communications, I think of parentheses conversations as ones that don't just amplify or explain the sender's meaning, but as rare instances of profound connection.  It is as if talking within the parentheses allows us to step out of time, push the pause button and be with another person.

In these prized and reveletory moments, we share so much about ourselves:

• 
  
  how we feel about the situation without facade or pretense
• 
  
  additional background about our life experiences that  exposes our position, reaction, confusion, fear or doubt
• 
  
  how this topic connects to another event, situation, belief, person and impacts our stance in a deep way
• 
  
  what we are struggling with, where we are vulnerable, where we are stuck 

Inside the sacred space of the parentheses, you can step away from everthing that clamors for your time, energy, mindshare... and connect...and reflect...and learn. 

When you have this connection with someone, it is special.  And, both of you know it.  It is a powerful gift.  I have experienced these moments with trusted friends, family, colleagues, mentors, and clients.  And, sometimes with new acquaintances.   

What an extraordinary gift! 

Priceless - literally and figuratively.

Questions to ponder:

• When do these conversational parentheses occur?
• Why are they so illuminating?
• What have you learned from them?

Steamer Trunk, Murse or Coin Purse?

How many assumptions are we carrying with us each day - would they fit into a steamer trunk, a murse or a coin purse?

Keb' 'Mo is a great storyteller. His song, Suitcase, is playing in the background as I write - it fits. "I got a suitcase I take it everywhere I go"...

What size suitcase does it take to carry the ideas, habits, patterns, assumptions, beliefs that keep us from experiencing life with an open mind?

What would happen if we checked our bag(s) for an hour, for a conversation, for a meeting, for a discussion or in the midst of a disagreement?

Are we schlepping more than one bag? Do we need a luggage cart?

Approaching new (or repetitive) situations with an open mind is a frequent challenge personally and professionally.  Would it help leaders to be present, to actively listen if the bag(s) of preconceived ideas didn't go into the room with them? 

Back to Keb' for a moment:

"Well the house got too small

And the bags got too big

We were holding on to everything

We ever said or did..."

Perhaps we can use this image this week.  First, we can literally assess the heft we are carrying.  Then, we can opt to put the bags (or a bag) on the floor outside the door and experience a meeting or discussion with wonder and learning.  It could free up our thinking.

At least there would be a little more leg room...